It Starts with Butts #1

What follows is a smaller section from a story that I had to abandon. Be nice, please, and thank you for reading!


Lena Cage hailed from a long line of people who owned, grew, and operated great butts. While it may seem a rather ribald detail to offer about someone, it is in fact that truth.

The butts that composed the Cage family operated healthfully in the normal fashion.

They provided ample cushioning when sat upon.

They passed waste like champion derrieres.

They provided hours of amusement including but not limited to: slapping, pinching, poking, farting, farting on ill-natured people, and consensual acts of sodomy (between peoples of appropriate ages) after the Supreme Court ruled the anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional in 2004.

At present, Lena’s bum was rather tender.

She had been in car for some time with her mother and brother. They had been collecting and organizing a caravan to Sunset Memorial Park Cemetery in North Olmsted.

Today was the day that they were going to inter Lena’s father.

They had just picked up Lena’s grandmother, her mother’s mother, and were on there way to pick up an Aunt that Lena never had anything to do with who lived close by the cemetery.

“You know, there’s still time to give the Old Man a proper Viking funeral… You know: light him on fire and let the birds pick over what’s left from the pyre” Lena said.

Her brother chuckled.

Mom didn’t say anything. She looked like she was having a hard enough time piloting the car.

Granny clucked her tongue in disapproval as she tried to mortar her ass around from the front passenger seat to properly give Lena the skunk-eye.

Ever since Lena was a small child, she could not figure out the point of funerals. She understood that people die on a regular basis. But what the actual point of getting a bunch of people together in a poorly decorated room to cry over the absence of someone they loved escaped her even today. It didn’t produce immediate closure. It didn’t make sense.

The closest that Lena ever got to solving this mystery of life was when she realized that people on a very large scale, are selfish.

They want things. They want what the advertisers (regardless of where they see the advertisements) tell them that they want. They want what their neighbors have. They want what other family members have, even if it is something that is a part of the person’s personality.

With funerals, people are selfish because they seemingly want to feel miserable about missing the recently deceased.

Why else would funeral homes still be in business?

In most cultures even today there is no ‘big ceremony’.

In certain areas of India along the Ganges, it takes time before the body of a deceased family member is disposed of properly.

In Tibet, the body of the deceased is taken to a mountaintop where it will eventually become fodder for the birds and other animals. The beautiful part about this was that this practice was commonly referred to as a ‘sky burial’.

When she was in high school, Lena read about the life of Korean families during the time of the Korean War.

Since most families were poor, they typically stayed together. That is, they didn’t separate like American families when a child becomes a legal adult. When there was a birth in a Korean family, the oldest member of the family would take a jug of water and go down to the banks of the local river and wait to die.

Lena saw that there was a beautiful kind of poetry in the idea of the oldest member of a family sacrificing (for lack of a better word) their own life so that the youngest, newest member of a family could have a solid chance.

Still in the process of mortaring her ass so she could give Lena her what-for’s, Lena couldn’t help but compare this ideal to the life that her Grandmother has led thus far.

By all accounts, Grandma was a nice person. To people outside of the family, she would be pleasant, engaging, and hospitable even.

To people who were family, who knew how she was and what she had been through, she would continue to uphold the facade that she would for outsiders but there was always an underlying tone in her voice that would convey that Grandma didn’t give a shit about anything else other than the next family get-together and if everyone, even the really distant relations, was going to be there.

As the years bore on, Granny’s attitude worsened.

Retired, and with nothing to do, Grandma sat around feeling like a privileged senior citizen.

She came from the point in time when you worked at a job you hated so that you could support your family and so that you could eventually retire from the very job you hated. What the people of her generation failed to realize is that you needed to be active. You needed to be mentally engaged. If you weren’t, everything atrophied: Inside of your body and outside of it as well.

As much as it pained her to admit this, Lena couldn’t fault the woman for how she turned out to be.

Lena’s grandmother came from a time when women were responsible for the children, the house and everything that has to do with it and above all else, the happiness of the husband.

Lena could never understand why most women of that day and age accepted that kind of life.

‘Its practically stone age thinking’, Lena thought to herself.

Ever since Lena could walk, her parents knew that she was an independent spirit.

Since Lena’s first day of school, she knew that she, and she alone was responsible for her own happiness. The idea that it was the woman’s job, the woman’s place in life, to make sure that her husband was happy (instead of the husband being smart enough, being man enough, to be in charge of his own happiness) lest she get beaten for doing a poor job of any of it, raised Lena’s hackle’s.

Lena knew that her Grandmother had suffered that fate for a long time. Her grandfather was dead long before Lena had been born. Lena could only imagine what he would have thought of her should he had been alive during her time.

Regardless of her Grandmother’s personal history, Lena couldn’t help but cringe at the idea that she shares the same genes as this person. Here’s a woman that is in the winter of her life. When she retired, she sat on her ass so much her legs atrophied nearly to the point of complete uselessness, and then she decided to go out and get a job.

Just so that she could have something to do. But that wasn’t enough for Grandmother. Eventually, she retired from that job and with nothing else to do, she became the Matron of her family that no one wanted her to be.

It borders on the point of ridiculousness. If Lena isn’t on her A-game at family functions, she’ll get cornered by her Grandmother and will have to suffer through the endless one-way conversation slog about cousins and distant relations that Lena never gave a shit.

Granny had succeeded in turning around so that she could properly give her granddaughter the nasty look that the ‘Viking’ comment had merited.

Looking at her Grandmother, Lena tried to force her facial muscles into something of a smile. She was out of practice. She hadn’t done much of it since her father had passed away.

“This woman would never take the jug of water and sit down by the river waiting for Death”, Lena hissed to her brother.

 

Two Edwards.

What follows is a section from a longer, abandoned story. Be nice, please. 


At no one point in his life did Edward Roache ever contemplate getting stabbed in the ass.

But it happened.

And it fucking hurt.

Edward was a quiet young man. He often blamed his parents for that.

Prior to Edward’s birth, his parents had been married for quite some time. At his mother’s behest, Ed Sr. got on board with the idea of having a child regardless of the fact that they were in their late 30’s at the time.

Given the Roache’s rapidly advancing age, Ed was their only heir.

Edward’s singularity, combined with the fact that they didn’t live in a neighborhood brimming with children that young Ed could play with, coupled with the fact that older, first-time parents seldom realize what they have fully gotten themselves into, did not provide Ed with the oral ferocity that most people from his generation are armed with.

Midway through Edward’s formative years, Mrs. Roache saw fit to remove herself from the lives of her two Edwards. Since Edward’s birth, Esme Roach had been nursing the thought that being a parent, for her, was a mistake.

She loved both of them. She really did. But she couldn’t reconcile the fact that her peers, other women her age, were enjoying their lives. While there are some enjoyable aspects of being a parent and raising a child, Esme couldn’t convince herself that the work that needed to be put into being a passable parent was the reward that she was looking for.

So she left.

Ed Sr. did the best that he could do. This was no small feat considering the fact that Ed Sr. never had a father of his own. His parents, (Ed Jr.’s grandparents) had divorced when Ed Sr. was very young. This was before divorce had become as commonplace as it is today. Combine that with the fact that he hailed from a point in time where men didn’t really have anything to do with their own children (because it was considered ‘the woman’s job’) and you have a middle aged man trying to complete a marathon when he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

What no one realized at the time was the fact that his parents put Edward on a slippery slope. When a family goes through a trauma like divorce, children either shut down and wait for the dust to settle or they act out because they don’t truly understand what is going on.

In Ed’s case, it was the former.

 

Ed didn’t mind being ‘the quiet one’.

Everyone else outside of the Roache family thought otherwise.

Edward could come across as cold, intimidating, and sometimes rude, all by keeping his mouth shut. It didn’t matter how many times he assured people that everything was fine, that he enjoyed listening to them talk (for the most part), that he just didn’t like talking. Everyone, at some point, left Edward alone and moved on to someone more ‘entertaining’.

That is not to say that Edward’s life was the life of a hermit. There were a few friends here and there that stuck by him and that he opened up to even if it did take him years to do so. There was even “a” girlfriend for a very brief period of time.

As a teen, the one thing that sucked for Edward the most about being raised by his father was the loneliness.

Everything changes when you are a teenager. Your outlook on the idea of family and how you look at your family, how you see the world and your place in it: for teenagers, it’s really easy to get sucked into those handful of moments that make you feel like a drop of ink in a bowl of milk.

What all teens fail to realize is that the real trick lies in knowing that it’s going to be ok.

Everything will be fine.

Friends are going to come and go. It’s ok to have a lot of them.

Life is change. It can’t be avoided for long.

If there were one insight that Edward had wished his parents imparted on him at that time of his life, it would have been that.

Now in his 20’s, Ed realized that his struggle with the idea of change was his cross to bear.

 

As he grew up, Ed was never able to shake the feeling that his mother left because she couldn’t love anyone more than she loved herself. She had enjoyed her moments with Edward when it was her weekend to have him. But that enjoyment was usually dwarfed by her moments of unbelievable self-centeredness.

The last time that he saw her, she had made mention about the day that she found out that she was pregnant with him. She was at the doctor’s office and the nurse who was examining Esme offered her the ‘morning-after’ pill.

“Why didn’t you take it?” Ed asked as a vague feeling of numbness crept up on him.

Shame and a slight twinge of regret flitted across Esme’s face.

“I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to be a mom”, she told him.

That was the last time that they had talked. It’s been over a year. He found an odd sort of comfort in the fact that he was nearly an abortion.

Blind as most twenty-something’s are, Ed didn’t realize until years later that there were traces of his mother present in every female that he was romantically linked with.

The last relationship that Edward was in started at college.

It was the 2nd semester of his first year. Rebecca was outside with a bunch of her friends, one of whom Ed had gone to grade school with. Everyone was smoking. Back then it was still considered fashionable to be an angst-ridden 20-something with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth.

Ed was smitten with Rebecca before he had lit his first cigarette.

She was short, had a head full of teeth, and a type of feminine confidence that he had never encountered before.

Rebecca became a substitute for the hole in his life that his parent’s had never bothered to patch.

Ed did everything in his power to be a part of this young woman’s life: emailing, instant messaging, calling, practically stalking… It was pathetic. What he didn’t realize until it was too late was that he was trying to make someone love him who didn’t want to love him.

This occupied 2 years of Ed Roache’s life.

Ed knew he was working way too hard and getting nowhere. He couldn’t help himself.

Rebecca saw this but she didn’t want to decide how she really felt about him.

Eventually, they both agreed to just be friends.

After some time, ‘Friends’ became ‘friends with benefits’.

‘Friends with benefits’, finally, gave way to being a ‘couple’.

Ed’s happiness knew no bounds. He finally got ‘the girl’. He accomplished the one thing that he had invested a significant portion of his life in. Ironically, his accomplishment was awarded to him as soon as he stopped trying.

Ed should have known that things were wrong when she told him that their relationship had to be secret. At the time, she was still living with her parents. She had just gotten out of a relationship and her parents would never let her live it down if they had found out.

“What’s the big deal about that?” Ed asked.

“I have a habit of relationship-hopping,” she admitted.

Like the big, dumb, idiot Ed was, he allowed it. The satisfaction in knowing that they belonged to each other was enough for him, even if they did have to hide it.

In all romantic relationships, there is a certain level of OCD that permeates the first couple of months. For the first couple of months, the only thing that matters is being with the other person. Responsibilities? Those can wait. Outside interests? The only thing that is interesting is the other person. Living for your self? How can you live at all without them?

Eventually, that initial obsession wears off allowing reality to set in. Reality officially takes hold when you finally see all of the things, even the shortcomings, you had missed from the very start.

What Ed didn’t see at first was that Rebecca treated him like garbage. Oogling other guys in front of him, always hanging out with her friends and never his, never showing an interest in the things that Ed was interested in: it was bad.

On top of that, they never had sex.

Ever.

They did the normal things that boys and girls learn to do to each other in high school but it never progressed past that because she was a virgin who was saving herself for marriage as dictated by her faith (that being Catholic).

Hindsight has shown Edward that Rebecca’s virginity was part of her allure. She was vocal about it. She was not ashamed. And it was something that most definitely would not leave her until marriage.

This is not to say that Edward thought that he could change that.

Every person currently on the face of the Earth relishes being a ‘virginity thief’. At some point, every one has been a part of such thievery. Edward is no exception to this.

It took Edward the better part of a year to see his relationship with Rebecca for what it was: a thing that shouldn’t have happened.

It wasn’t until their first Christmas as a couple that Edward realized just how miserable Rebecca was.

She didn’t know what to do with her life and she didn’t know how to deal with the fact that she was legally ‘a grown up’. Like most twenty-year-olds who are too chicken-shit to acknowledge that they are their own problem, Rebecca responded to her own inadequacy by taking her frustrations out on the people around her.

Specifically, Edward.

Ed had been taking the brunt of her emotional turmoil for fear that she would stop loving him.

Ed became thoroughly sick of her shit shortly after the New Year.

So he made up his mind to break it off with her.

After returning home from breaking up with Rebecca, the person that he had spent a significant portion of his life chasing, Ed climbed the flight of stairs that led to his bedroom.

It was late.

Ed Sr. was all ready asleep.

Ed was greeted by their boxer, Crankshaft.

Ed’s mind was reasonably elsewhere.

As he tiptoed up the stairs to his bedroom, his eyes drifted naturally towards the ankle-high laundry chute door just outside the door to his room.

Thoughts began to float across his mind. The days of when he was a lonely child who used to tie twine around his G.I. Joe’s and have them jump down the shoot, the other end tied to the handle of the metal shoot door… using the chute as an echo chamber to distort his voice… hollering down it to communicate with someone in the basement… All of these memories bubbled to the surface.

For as lonely a child as he was, he was pretty happy.

At the top of the stairs now, Ed caught site of Crankshaft, as he was about to go into his room for the night.

Ed looked at the dog.

Crankshaft looked back at him like he knew what was wrong.

Ed really needed a hug.

“Come here, Cranky” Ed whispered.

The dog dutifully obliged.

When the dog got to the top of the landing, Ed proceeded to squat down, and felt the corner of the cold metal of the laundry chute door bite into his left ass cheek.

Trying not to knock the two of them down the stairs, Ed hugged the dog, went into his room, and laughed himself to sleep.

The Price of Sacrifice.

What follows is one of my first short stories. That was rejected by everyone. Be nice, please. 


Early on, before Vanessa was born, Saul came to the conclusion that the only thing he had to do to be successful as a parent was to do the exact opposite of what his parents did.

It worked.

Any gaps that were left from his parenting philosophy were filled in instinctively.

He knew he would do anything to protect Vanessa. She was the second female (his wife being the first) that he ever fell in love with.

As time went on, Saul proved himself to be an exemplary father. He attended all of the necessary school functions. He gave ‘Ness advice that he thought a father should give and he was always there for her, keeping her tethered to the ground.

As Ness entered womanhood, her relationship with Saul became a little more distant. It felt natural so Saul didn’t question it. She could only exist as his little girl in his mind now and Saul was ok with that. Vanessa kept in touch with her parents, especially her mother. Admittedly, Saul felt a little put out by this but he didn’t mind. Whatever they were talking about, he knew it was only something his wife could be there for and he was ok with that.

One day Saul came home to find his wife and his daughter sitting at the kitchen table.

His daughter was the first to say anything.

“Hi Daddy,” she said getting up from the table to hug him.

“Hey there, puddin’ pop”.

He could see that Vanessa and her mother had been crying. In the gap of time between saying ‘hello’ and his daughter moving from the table to hug him, nausea swallowed Saul whole. As she went to put her arms around him, that’s when he saw it: A bruise like a small nebula, hidden underneath a small fortune of make-up. Breaking the embrace, He looked from the small nebula to the depths of his daughter’s eyes.

“Did Kenny do this to you?” he seethed.

A venomous rage filled Saul’s soul and made him deaf to the story that his daughter told him. It made him ignorant to any protestations. It poisoned him and began to corrode his being like a flame devouring a dry forest.

He told them what he thought they needed to hear. He knew what needed to be done.

 

Before dawn the next day, Saul found himself in the parking lot of an apartment building. In the apartment building resided Kenny who turned his only daughter, a grown woman, into a little girl again.

Saul sat in his car, still drowning in that tidal wave of anger. He knew that Vanessa needed to feel safe, that she was loved and that this would never, ever happen again. Saul was glad to give her that even if he wasn’t going to go about it the right way.

Saul’s thoughts evaporated as he saw Kenny exit his apartment building.

It was like Saul wasn’t in control of his body anymore: exiting his car, closing the door without making too much noise, none of it registered in his mind. All he could think about was the bile rising in his throat and closing the gap between him and Kenny.

As the distance shortened, Saul fumbled with something in his coat pocket. It all went so horribly fast.

“Excuse me!” Saul called.

Kenny paused by their car, door left slightly ajar.

“Do I know you?” Kenny asked.

“In a manner of speaking, you do. You do know me”.

Kenny had both hands at their side now. They had that far away look on their face that everyone gets when they are trying to make their brain do something it doesn’t want to do.

The dawn of recognition rose on Kenny’s face.

Recognition was followed quickly by Surprise as Saul lunged toward Kenny with a fully charged taser crackling.

Dancing around like a tangled marionette for a few seconds, Kenny bounced off of his car and collapsed onto the ground beside it.

Saul was proud of himself.

He considered the environment for a moment. With considerable strain, Saul wedged the top half of Kenny din his car, while the lower half of his body lay outside of the car.

There was no turning back. The only reality left was that Saul had a job to finish.

A muffled thud crawled up the walls of the apartment building as Saul swung the door shut. The marionette jumped from the shock of the door cutting into flesh.

He opened the door again.

He thought of the pain and fear he saw in his daughter’s eyes; another muffled thud, another jump from the lifeless marionette.

Winded now, Saul was doubled over from the effort.

“Lot less blood than I would’ve thought,” he said aloud.

Groaning as he tried to stand up straight again, Saul put both hands on the door and raised his head to the sky.

“All I ever wanted was for her to be safe and happy. And you ruined that. You ruined that for all of us”.

He brought his head back down to the mess before him.

A dark rage bloomed across his face.

Saul opened the door as far as he could.

A loud crunch echoed off of the walls of the apartment building. Saul was flat on his back besides the car.

 

Saul didn’t realize it at the time, but he was dreaming.

A dying light existed outside of his scope of vision. Saul looked down at a cup in his hand. He regarded it with a benign wisdom.

His surroundings unfolded before him.

Everything that had happened in this dream was like watching a ballroom dance under water, graceful and distorted.

A damp chilled crawled through Saul’s mind as he realized that he was in a cave of loose stone. In the distance he could see that the cave was part of a tunnel system and that he was at a dead end.

Turning his attention back to the cup in his hand, Saul raised the bottom of the cup to his lips and he began to blow. The sound that the cup produced sounded like the horns of war.

A shadow stirred at the end of the tunnel.

Growing in size as it moved down the tunnel, Saul still couldn’t see what was producing the shadow. An eternity passed before Saul finally saw what horrors awaited him.

It was a spider. Nothing more.

Even though it wasn’t more than two inches in diameter, Saul could see that there was something wrong with it. It just looked angry.

Without provocation, the spider picked up the closest sharp object it could find and proceeded to jab at Saul’s ankles.

Saul couldn’t help but laugh at this. Out of all of the possibilities that Saul could have faced, he got a spider that was trying to kill him by human means.

It wasn’t long before the novelty wore off for Saul.

“You’re not long for this world,” Saul’s subconscious intoned to the spider.

With several clumsy movements, Saul picked up the nearest stone and put an end to this nonsense.

To his astonishment, there was a halo of fluid and a tangle of legs radiating outward from the stone.

The legs were still twitching.

The spider that was only a couple of inches in diameter was infinitely larger than Saul could ever comprehend.

Crouching now, Saul scratched the back of his head in confusion.

He pulled his hand away from his head in shock.

It was wet with blood.

Tired of this confused ballroom dance, Saul made for the surface of the dream before his body caved in on itself.

 

It took him a second to realize where he was laying.

“Fuck. Musta’ passed out,” he thought.

Saul propped himself up on his elbows and did a quick scan of the parking lot. There were still only two cars in it, and he was lying next to one of them.

He exhaled a sigh of relief at the thought that luck was in his favor.

Scooting himself next to the car, Saul sat himself up next to the rear wheel on the driver’s side.

Running his hands over his body in search of any adrenaline-dulled cuts or broken bones, he couldn’t help but feel like a damn fool.

“I’m an old man. Old men aren’t supposed to get into situations like this. They’re supposed to manipulate the younger guys to do this shit for them,” he thought.

The only thing left for him to do was to finish what he started.

Saul positioned himself next to the open driver’s side door. Occupying the empty space between the door and the rest of the car the lower half of a Person.

“People seriously underestimate the amount of force necessary to slam a car door on someone,” Saul said out loud.

His head went into his hands.

“Why… Why did you have to be so stupid?” Saul said to the body lying next to him.

Realizing that he would have plenty of time to feel sorry for himself if were to get picked up by the cops, Saul made his first attempts at getting up and dusting himself off since he had woken up.

The parking lot was located behind one part of the apartment building. At the very edge of the property was a swimming pool. Both were connected by a couple of flights of stairs at the far end of the parking lot.

It was a stretch, but Saul didn’t have any other choice.

He sighed. The weight of what he had done was starting to compress his soul. He pulled a modest flask from his pocket and took a snoot full to steady his nerves.

He had just killed Someone. This was somebody’s Child.

Using his foot as leverage against the car, he grabbed the body with both hands and pulled for all he was worth.

For a brief second there was nothing but a ball of arms and legs floating in mid air.

Saul was flat on his back again, the body on top of him.

A small moan came from somewhere in the jumble.

This Person wasn’t dead.

With a quick shove, the body turned into a mass of angles and curves by the rear wheel of the car with Saul scrambling to his feet.

60 seconds went by before Saul had anything in his head that resembled a coherent thought.

The sun, piercing and clear, was beginning to rise. Saul saw the bright side of this situation.

Crouching over the body now, he whispered in its ear, “You should’ve known better”. Saul smiled for the first time in what felt like a thousand years.

He opened the body’s mouth and poured half of his flask’s contents down the hatch, the rest he dumped on the body’s clothes. With all of the spluttering and gagging, Saul couldn’t help but chuckle at the fact that Kenny looked like a fish on dry land.

With a ferocious kick to the head, Saul put all of that nonsense to an end.

“Is everything all right?” called a sleepy voice from one of the apartment windows above.

“What’s that?” Saul called up, feigning confusion.

“I said, is everything all right down there?” the voice said.

“My —– just had a little too much to drink. I’m just trying to get ‘em into their apartment to sleep it off,” Saul called up jovially.

“Good luck with that…” the voice mumbled down.

Saul smiled and waved as he began to crouch down to assist his “son“. Saul knew that even if he were completely screwed, he still had to move fast.

Grabbing Kenny by the foot, Saul dragged them the entire length of the parking lot. Saul paused at the top of the stairs to catch his breath.

The stairs that led down to the pool cascaded before Saul’s eyes. As he positioned Kenny for the final shove, Saul noticed a slight tingling in his right arm.

With what little strength Saul had left, he shoved the jumbled mass down the flight of stairs that led to the pool.

“So that’s what ass-over-tea-kettle looks like,” Saul thought as the body made it’s descent.

The body landed at the foot of the stairs. One more drag and Saul was almost home free. As he walked down the stairs to the pool, Saul noticed the tingling in his arm had become a full-fledged pain.

Saul dragged Kenny to the edge of the pool and pushed.

The body slid in with a whisper.

Saul began to head back to his car, arm howling and the pressure closing in around his chest.

Getting into his car and driving away, the world seemed to swim around him.

Was he dreaming?

He didn’t remember making it home.

He didn’t remember his wife refusing to leave his bedside.

He didn’t remember his daughter crying.

When he woke, Saul knew that he was in a hospital. He knew why he was in the hospital. And he knew why he was handcuffed to his bed. Even though his girls weren’t around at the moment, he knew that things would turn out all right. With a tired sigh, Saul closed his eyes one last time.